This morning, as I was lying in bed, getting ready to edit a set of photos, I opened up Facebook. As I was scrolling, I stopped to read a post about a business that was closing, and I did a little judging. Then the next post was a video of my cousin lying in bed with my Abuelita Cande. I am not going to lie; she looked like she was not feeling well, and I thought to myself that I had to be more intentional to spend time with her the next time she came for a visit.
Then I scrolled to the next post, and I saw that another one of my cousins posted this photo of my Abuelita and cropped me out. At that moment, I knew I need to read the caption. And it read, “My heart is so heavy to wake up to this news. Only God knows why today of all days this would happen. Mi abuela amorosa cariñosa hermosa ❤️ Te quiero tanto, siempre estarás en mi corazón. Descansa en pas ❤️ RIP”
So at 8 AM over Facebook, I found out my grandmother died. I know I did not want my older sister to find out this way, so I ran for my phone, feeling numb and confused, to only find my phone was dead. I plugged it in and saw a text from her to caller ASAP and knew she already knew. She, too, had heard the news from Facebook.
So now I sit here alone and confused. My heart feels like it’s at a place where it can’t process more death. Just the other day, one of my employee’s grandfathers died, she did not tell me, but Scott. Usually, my response would be to reach out immediately. However, here I am a week later, and I still have not reached out to her. I have no words because death sucks. It rips your heart in two, and I can’t handle that right now.
I know so many people say no regrets, but to be honest, I have regrets. As an adult, I have not spent much time with my grandmother. I would only see her on her visits to the states, and the older I got, and the busier I became, the more I did not show up for those visits. I also regret not being an adult and just going to visit her. My grandmother was from a part of Mexico that is truly unsafe, and my parents always insisted it was too dangerous for me to visit. I talk too much, I am too loud, and I don’t know how to blend into a crowd. I know my parents were honestly afraid for my safety, but I missed out on life with someone I loved dearly for what if’s.
I regret letting my fears and insecurities getting in the way of having an authentic relationship with my grandmother. Somewhere between the ages of 7 and 9, I stopped speaking Spanish. I know why and looking back at it, it was a stupid reason. And this selfish choice made out of the insecurities created a barrier between the relationship I could have had with my grandmother. As I got older, my fears and insecurities kept me from the great conversations and stories she would have with my cousins. I hate that I missed out on relationships because of the concern of what other people may think.
I was hoping that by the time I got to the end of this writing, I would have a conclusion, that my heart would feel, but here I am at the end of my page still feeling numb with lots of regrets.
So today, I encourage you to love people well so well that it makes you uncomfortable. So well, that it gets messy. Live a life with no regrets because you lived a life where you never held back.
Abuelita Candi, gracias por todo. Eres mi corazón, eres mi amor Dios te bendiga.